btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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