i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
