my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
