I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
