I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Randomize