apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
