I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
