Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
