buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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