I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
