Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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