Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
