Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
