I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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