I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
