I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
