I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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