I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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