: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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