and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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