You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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