she was so not down for the gang bang
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
