Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
