I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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