Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
