yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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