i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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