she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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