So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
