someone threw a dead crab at me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My ass is underappreciated
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
