I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
