I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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