you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
