Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
