My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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