winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
