I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize