The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
