i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
