I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
