I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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