I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
