I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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