btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
