i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
