Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Barsexuality is the new black.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
