Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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