i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
