who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize