I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
