I bet he comes in French.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
