he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
