He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
