I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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