it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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