Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
