1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
