so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
