Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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