just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
