guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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