Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
