So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
