i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize