I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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